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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23419525">Everyone Poops</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostGaze/pseuds/GhostGaze'>GhostGaze</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Crack, April Fool's Day Crack-Fest, Humor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 09:20:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,849</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23419525</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostGaze/pseuds/GhostGaze</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermione has a ball to prepare for and people to embarrass, but will she be the one embarrassed in the end?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Everyone Poops</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for Hermione's Nook Cards Against Muggles Crack Fic Fest! I hope it gives you a giggle or two!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hermione Granger was having a lazy day, but hey she deserved it. It was just last year she helped defeat one of the greatest and evil wizards of all time. Now, back at school finishing her last year she was taking it easy, well at least when she wasn't working on school work.</p><p>Her curtains were drawn around her so she didn't mind rolling forward and shoving her hand down the back of her underwear to scratch her arse. Flopping back into place she raised her finger to her nose and took a delicate sniff. "Bloody hell, smells like something died back there." </p><p>She groaned and shoved her pillow over her face for a few moments before she rose, grabbing her shower caddy, towel, and robe. Not caring that she was dressed in nothing but her Wednesday panties on a Saturday and a crop top that due to a font error read "Cum Addict" instead of "Gym Addict". Though truth be known it was a better fit.</p><p>She headed towards the Prefects bathroom, her feet slapping unhappily against the stone floor as she went. Luckily she only met one person as she proceeded. Professor Snape was patrolling the corridor where the bathroom was located. He stared at her with a bewildered expression as she winked and shot him a set of finger guns, "What's shakin' bacon?".</p><p>The door closed behind her before he was able to respond. She stretched her arms up leisurely before bending down to touch her toes. Her anus rang out merrily as she did so and she sighed before giving her ass cheek a cursory scratch and turned to look at the tub. </p><p>Terry Boot and Cho Chang looked at her, faces stricken as she had just caught them in a very comprising situation. "Pretty impressive, huh? I had beans for breakfast." She smirked proudly, her fists on her hips. "Clear out, it's the brains of the Golden Trio's turn for a washy wash now." </p><p>The two scrambled out of the tub, hastily throwing on their robes before they retreated. "Try hanging a sock on the door next time" She yelled over her shoulder as she magically drained the tub and started fiddling with the knobs to find a scent she liked. " At least use a bloody locking spell." She mumbled under her breath as the door close. </p><p>Settling on a woodsy smell, she threw her panties and crop top on the floor before aiming her wand at them and sending them down to the laundry. She'd taken the time while waiting on the castle to be prepared to embroider "Hermy-G" on her clothing so it would easily get back to her. </p><p>She set her caddy on the edge of the tub before backing up and doing a couple more stretches. "Now we have young Hermione Granger on the high board preparing for her dive." She narrated in her best broadcaster impression before beginning the short sprint to the pool. Every time one of her feet slapped the pavement a toot would escape her and she crinkled her nose, she should have known better than to eat beans for breakfast.</p><p>The water lapped chaotically on the surface as she came up for air from the spectacular cannonball she had just performed. "All three judges are in agreement folks, Miss. Granger receives a ten out of ten score!" She began cheering as if she were in the crowd as she arranged a bubble hat and beard on herself. </p><p>After scrubbing the mess atop her scalp twice, along with a deep condition she pulled herself up on the side of the tub, her feet dangled just above the water as she extracted two large potion bottles from her shower caddy. She grabbed one and poured a large portion in her hand, she was about to plop in into her hair when she decided she better check the bottle and was glad she did. </p><p>She almost repeated the great hair removal, Sleakeazy’s mix from earlier in the year. Luckily there was a reversal position she was able to take but it made all her hair grow back everywhere and she wasn’t allowed to use the removal potion again for forty-eight hours. </p><p>Gods, it had been awful. Her unibrow had been so full it fell over her eyes, obscuring her vision and she had to clip them up into her hair. It wasn't a pretty sight at all. She vanished the potion out of her hands and wiped them clean. This time she grabbed the correct bottle and caked her hair with Sleakeazy's, wrapped it into a top knot, and secured it with a rubber band before picking up the hair removal potion.</p><p>She artfully rubbed down her arms, legs, and armpits before applying it to her face sans eyebrows. All that left was her lady bits. She smeared the potion on them generously before flopping on her side and smearing her hind end in it, making sure to get the inside of her cheeks as well. Another fart escaped her as she did so, the smell was so rancid it singed her nose hairs. But at least that was one less thing she had to smear the potion on. </p><p>After the required ten minutes she entered the shallow end of the tub and began scrubbing the potion off her skin viciously. Once it was washed off entirely she drained the tub and rinsed her hair under a tap before getting out and towel drying. </p><p>A few moments later she was walking down the hall to the hospital wing, her robe occasionally billowing in the back as she cursed those damn beans. </p><p>Madam Pomphrey didn’t ask any questions. Just left to the back storeroom to retrieve a gas relief potion. Hermione sat on a bed to wait for her, passing another gas bubble as she did. However, this one took a turn and went straight up her vaginal canal. She sighed in frustration before she began bending around trying to re-fart her fart. Madam Pomphrey returned at that moment and she ceased her movements not wanting to admit to the witch what her issue was. She drank the potion and her stomach rumbled audibly before one last long anal salute escaped her filling the room with a wretched scent that caused hers and the Matron’s eyes to water. </p><p>This wouldn’t have bothered Hermione, one can't help the body's natural reaction. However Poppy ran over to the window and threw the double doors open and began gasping into the cool afternoon air, the bushy-haired girl's mouth dropped open in astonishment, "Madam! It is not that bad!" </p><p>Amid coughing, she managed to sputter back, "Bloody hell it isn't! This is more than just the beans girl! You need a thorough medical examination!" </p><p>She stomped out of the infirmary, making sure to slam the door behind her. She stood there for several moments, bosom heaving before coming up with the perfect idea for her revenge. Away she galloped to Gryffindor Tower, slowing only to shake her rump playfully at Professor Snape who whirled away in what Hermione could only assume was mock fright. </p><p>She ran into her dormitory and jumped into the rolling chair she kept strategically placed for times such as these. With precision it slid her over, stopping right in front of her desk where she immediately slapped on a fake moustache and lit a thick cigar that was resting in the ashtray. Two letters later along with a lascivious wink at Severus patrolling near the owlery found her back outside of the infirmary. The cigar and sticky moustache still in place, she stuck one side of her extendable ears under the door and waited. </p><p>Finally, her patience was rewarded when she heard an owl pecking on the infirmary window. Madam Pomphrey let the bird in, and Hermione could hear the crinkle of paper as she opened the letter attached.</p><p>"Madam Pomphrey,</p><p>So sorry about earlier. Hopefully, this will help.</p><p>Sincerely,<br/>Hermy-G"</p><p>She read aloud. "Well that's sweet of her, however, I still think she ought to get a more thorough examination." This caused the witch to scowl again, but only momentarily as she heard the aerosol can begin to spray. First out poured the lovely scent of flowers that floated out from under the door. Hermione grabbed the cloths pin out of her pocket and clipped her nostrils shut as another owl pecked at the window. </p><p>She heard the window open and close again, and her lips curled up in a sinister smile. "Everybody Poops? What kind of book is this?" She cackled aloud as the Matron began screaming and gagging. She stood and waved her wand temporarily sealing the doors and windows before grabbing the back of her chair and running back to the tower.</p><p> </p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Hermione sashayed into the Ministry Ball that most of Hogwarts was attending. The "Victory Ball” as it was so dubbed despite the fact they'd definitely lost far too much in the war for it to be considered a victory, but no one had asked her. </p><p>She was wearing a black fitted dress that hit mid-thigh, the tightness of it showed off her assets. This fact delighted her to no end, it gave her endless opportunities to try and embarrass Snape at the ball which had become her favorite activity. Her hair was beautifully sleek and hung down to just above her rump, and occasionally whenever Snape's eyes would meet hers she would pull Dobby's tea Cozy out of her pocket and place it on her head while waggling her eyebrows at him.</p><p>It has mistakenly gotten mixed in with her laundry when it had been sent back up and she couldn't resist the opportunity to use it for her shenanigans.</p><p>The night wore on and the alcohol was abundant, and before long the young witch found herself standing on a table surrounded by several wizards whom she was sure was enjoying the show. She removed her dress and was stepping out of her knickers when vertigo brought her to the ground and knocked her out cold.</p><p> </p><p>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Albus Dumbledore was standing in front of his fireplace at Hogwarts with a bemused expression. "Please Professor, could you send someone to pick me up?" Hermione asked, her voice slightly higher pitched than normal.</p><p>"Wherever from my dear?" A blush stole across the witches face. "Azkaban…" The old man struggled not to smile, "What are you doing at Azkaban child?"</p><p>"I'm in Azkaban for dancing naked in Dobby's tea cozy!" A smile appeared on her face as she said it, "Would you mind sending Snape? I'd hate to pass up such a perfect opportunity to embarrass him."</p><p>With a chuckle the old man nodded. "Should I have him bring clothes for you?" She shook her head, "That would ruin the surprise sir!"</p><p>He turned and cast a patronus telling Severus to go fetch the girl before settling back at his desk, he'd have to get the girl to show him the memory in his pensive for sure. After Severus attempted to give him a lecture of course.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A special thank you to my beta adavison! She is the best and super talented herself, so look her work up if you feel up to it!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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